When a marriage or long term relationship is breaking down, neither partner is in the mood to talk. Communication becomes a series of rows, arguments and frustration. To save your marriage or relationship you need to get in touch with your partners feelings and they yours. This can only be achieved through honest open and sometimes painful communication.
Are you good at communicating?
Howard Markman, Ph.D., professor of psychology and head of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver has undertaken research that shows up to 50% of couples are mutually abusive or respond to verbal or emotional abuse in a like for like manner. In lay mans terms this means that couples argue, blame each other, abuse each other in equal measure verbally and emotionally. Do you and or your partner fit this profile? If you do then you are not going to get in touch with your partners feelings and they will not get in touch with yours.
Check List
Do You And Your Partner:
1. Act defensively when you criticises your marriage.
2. Always have to be right,
3. Always focus on the negative side of things.
4. Avoid conflict by shutting down.
5. Always blame partner as if it is his or her fault.
6. Bring up past in arguments and faults.
7. Criticize partner in front of others.
8. Don’t ask directly for what you want but expect your partner to read your mind.
9. Don’t show partner respect they deserve and expect because you are married or in a long term relationship you can treat them as you please.
10. Keep my feelings to myself and think it’s “OK” to have secrets.
11. Find it difficult to apologise.
12. Don’t wait to speak until my spouse has finished talking, constantly interrupt.
13. Ridicule your partner.
14. Raise your voice when you disagree and shout your partner down.
15. Have to win every argument, regardless of what the argument is about.
16. Don’t share your thoughts with your partner in case they use them against you.
17. Get angry when your partner misinterprets what has been said.
This is a long list, are you surprised about how many you personally do? Are you now surprised that your relationship may be having difficulties? Do you want to stop this cycle of mis-communication and get back to a fulfilling relationship. Poor communication can and will destroy a relationship or marriage. You can change the cycle and get back to getting in touch with your partners feelings and they yours.
To get in touch with your partners feelings you will need to change your focus and the way you approach your relationship or marriage.
Make a change
1. Replace arguments with calm rational discussion. If your partner continues to shout, stay calm and let them finish before making your point.
2. Replace criticism with positive comments, show you care and appreciate your partner.
3. Stop accusing, start repairing and attempt to understand how they feel. You can only do this by listening.
4. Replace talking over your partner with calmly letting them finish, listen and hear what they have to say, their view is as valid as yours.
5. Be open, honest and clear in your communication. You cannot build a relationship or marriage based on lies or a defensive attitude.
6. Share your thought with your partner, do not shut down just because you don’t like what they are saying.
It’s hard to be positive in a relationship when you are having constant arguments. It’s even harder to get in touch with your partners feelings if you do not communicate. Both partners in any relationship want to be “Top dog” at one point or another. Neither partner wants to give in first. If not tackled, this results in communication becoming nonexistent. Mistrust builds up, silence instead of discussion, soon the gap feels too big to fill and the relationship breaks down completely. To resolve this, talk to your partner, get back in touch with their feelings and your own.